I don’t remember playing with dolls much as a kid. Sure, I had Barbies…but mostly so I could dress them in the cool outfits my mom bought for them. I had a Shirley Temple doll, basically because I idolized her. I just don’t really remember having baby dolls and playing ‘mommy’ with them. I never fantasized about having a baby and taking care of it; as I got older, I vacillated from saying I would never have kids (I didn’t want the blood tests I knew I’d have to get if I was pregnant) and saying that I would just adopt (that came from a book I loved as a kid, called The Family Nobody Wanted).
So it was a big surprise when, around age 25 or so, I suddenly really, really wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom. When my oldest, Eric, came along just before my 26th birthday, I was absolutely clueless about babies. I never babysat, didn’t have young siblings or nieces or nephews that I ever took care of. I was not the person who would ask to hold your baby. (In fact, I would inwardly cringe if you handed your baby to me, sure that I was going to make him/her cry.) None of my friends had babies yet. But there I was with my very own baby!
My mom has to get the credit for my baby learnin’. She was there to show me how to burp Eric, how to lay him down for a nap without waking him right back up, how to soothe him. I still pretty much stayed a nervous wreck until he was a toddler, but my mom helped me take a deep breath and not be so terrified that I was going to break my baby.
I was lucky to grow up with a mom that not only took care of me and looked out for me, but was a great role model and friend as I grew older. Rather than pulling away from her in my late teens and my 20s, I confided in her often, asking her advice and telling her my goals and dreams. I borrowed clothes from her too – she was always better dressed than me (even now, at nearly 75, my mom puts me to shame in the clothes department). It was kind of awesome, like having two closets full of clothes!
Little kids always make me kind of nervous – I have a hard time understanding them, and I just don’t have that laid-back playful personality that meshes well with kids. I really wasn’t sure what it would be like with my own kids – would I be able to understand them when they were learning to talk? And it turns out I could understand them just fine. It makes a big difference when you spend all day, every day with that little person – it was easy for me to know what they wanted even when nobody else could figure out what they were saying. Unfortunately, that didn’t suddenly make it easy for me to understand all little kids…but at least I could understand the ones that meant the most to me!
I always felt I was too selfish to be a good mother, and I definitely was selfish in many ways. It kind of drove me crazy when they were little and I had no time to even read a magazine, much less a book, without being interrupted a million times. I couldn’t go to the bathroom or take a shower in peace. It irritated me to pass up doing the things that interested me and instead do things with the kids that I found to be a little boring. But I did it. I snuck in some ‘me’ time at the beginning and end of each day. And as the kids grew (and I grew in maturity) it got easier, and I could feel my attitude shifting. Instead of resenting the things I no longer had time for, I was grateful for the time I got to spend with the kids…no matter what we were doing.
I made lots and lots of mistakes along the way, and hopefully I haven’t doomed my kids to a lifetime of therapy. I like to think they both know I love them unconditionally and completely and wildly. I think we have a pretty good time together (although I can slip into Annoying Mom mode now and again). I hope I’ve set a good example for them the way my (awesome) mother did for me. I may not have realized early on that I had a maternal instinct, but it was always there…it just needed some time to grow and bloom.
Happy Mother’s Day – to my wonderful, much-loved mother and to all of my awesome mom friends!
I started working the spring/summer after I turned 16, in 1981. My job search pretty much consisted of scanning the want ads in the paper, a process of elimination more than anything – what could I do where my hearing loss wouldn’t cause a problem? Right away I tossed out any kind of job with heavy phone work – answering phones at a pizza place, being a receptionist, telemarketing. Besides needing an amplifier to hear on the phone (and amplified phones were not that common in 1981), I have a phone phobia…something that I know isn’t limited to people with hearing loss, since I know of many people with fine hearing that hate the phone as much as I do. I also skipped any kind of waitressing job, because I didn’t think I could hear well enough to take accurate orders in a loud restaurant.
My first job was working at Baskin-Robbins, and I found it not through the paper but through one of my brother’s friends who worked there. He knew they were hiring and gave me the number to call. My friend called for me; she had a wonderful, relaxed manner on the phone and used to do this for me quite a lot, bless her heart. Thanks to her I got the job. (My phone phobia extends even to ads that require a phone inquiry; although I will swallow my fear and do it on occasion, I much prefer walking in to drop off an application or applying online.)
Since 1981, I’ve also worked as a cashier, keypunch operator, floating help in the office of a local school district (data entry, filing, Xeroxing, that kind of thing), file clerk, word processing operator (on a Wang word processor…before computers came along), and administrative assistant to a Human Resources manager.
I got the cashier job because my boyfriend’s mom was the supervisor in charge of cashiers; she just hired me without even really bothering to interview me. I stayed there for about a year and a half (half a year while I was also working at the school district).
I spent two years doing the keypunch/floating office help thing at the school district; I got that job because my Office Machines teacher recommended me when they called her looking for a student that did well on the keypunch machine. They actually called me and offered me the job; I didn’t even know it existed!
I worked for 10 years doing the file clerk/word processing job at McMaster-Carr Supply. I found out about that company through one of the secretaries at the school district, when my job there was coming to an end. Her daughter worked at McM and she kept telling me I should apply. I applied and kept calling about my application until I finally got an interview, after a couple months of persistence.
I left McM after Paige was born, and was a stay at home mom for a couple of years. Then my (now ex) husband and I separated and I needed to find full-time work. I found the admin assistant job in the paper; that’s when I applied to be a document clerk (no phone!) and the HR manager convinced me to be her assistant instead. I stayed for five years until they eliminated my position and laid me off in 2001. That job also solidified my determination to never get a phone-heavy job again; all the phone work traumatized me and left me stressed out and sick all the time.
So basically, I tend to stay on for a long time at my jobs (mostly because I hate job hunting) and I tend to find out about them in weird ways, although I always looked through the paper when I was job hunting. It’s just that it never really paid off; only one of the jobs I’ve had in my life came from an ad in the paper.
I haven’t really looked for a job since 1996, which was when I found my last job. After I was laid off, we ended up taking the candle business full time in May 2001 and it took off in a huge way. That was the best – working from home (although we worked constantly, night and day), no phone work at all, being creative and doing something I enjoyed….all while being here for the kids while they were growing up.
Now that the business has slowed down so drastically, I’ve started looking around again for some very part-time work to make a little extra money. But I’ve discovered that job hunting the way I used to is a thing of the past. It’s all online now, and I’m pretty much clueless.
Gone are the days of just scanning everything to see what might be a possibility. Now you need to focus on a career or specific occupation, unless you want to page through thousands of various jobs all across the country. For someone like me, with no college degree and no specific occupation, this is really difficult. I can search for things I know I’ve done in the past, but I’m such a dinosaur that many of those jobs don’t exist anymore. Nobody seems to hire file clerks or word processing operators, much less keypunch operators. (ha ha…even if the machines still existed, I wouldn’t know how to use them!)
Since I know I want very part time hours, probably no more than 15 per week, the best I can do is use part-time as a keyword search. Even that is not a lot of help, but at least it’s something. And now many jobs I know I’m perfectly capable of doing require a degree. When I first entered the job market, you could easily start low in a company and work your way up with just a high school diploma and a high level of intelligence. (Hello, thank you, that is me!)
So I scan the ads, reject the idea of most of them (many things, like data entry, require you to also cover for the receptionist like I did at my last job…NEVER AGAIN OHMYGAWD) and keep on looking. Why can’t it be like it is in the books I read? In one, this nice lady (who loves to cook) loses her husband to an unexpected heart attack. A bunch of different single guys on her block then approach her to see if she’ll make them dinner for a weekly fee. (Come on, really?!) In another, a lady has a traumatic brain injury and can no longer do her high-powered executive job. Eventually she learns how to ski using accommodations through an organization that helps disabled people modify equipment, so they can keep skiing and doing recreational activities they enjoy. And gee, they lose their director and she would be PERFECT for the job! If only real life worked that way.
Anyway, it’s been interesting, job hunting in 2013. I don’t have the in-person social network that I did when I was younger, or I would just put out the word and figure I’d get a job that way. I’ve wracked my brain trying to come up with another home-based business that does not involve selling anything (or buying materials and making things from scratch, like we did with the candles…too expensive in the long run, which is why we tapered the business back). So far I haven’t come up with anything, but the candle business was never planned — it just kind of happened — and it turned out to be great while it lasted. Who knows what might come my way this time?
As of today, Dave is in his third week of treatment and so far he is doing really, really well. He hasn’t had any side effects beyond the ones he noticed right away – the dry eyes/skin, and being tired later in the day as well as the day after he takes his PEG-interferon shot. (In other words, we don’t plan big activities for Thursdays!) He was a little disappointed not to have the weight loss side effect; he was joking with me about a week after his treatment started, saying he was probably going to be the only one who gained weight while doing the treatment! Seriously though, he’s maintaining his weight and eating well. We never had bad eating habits to begin with (fast food once in a blue moon, otherwise we make all our meals from scratch with very, very little processed food involved). Now that the weather is warming up we can start taking our daily walks again. So all in all, this is going much better than we imagined it would!
The next monkey wrench will be when he adds in the third (and final) medication, Victrelis (boceprevir). I suspect this medication tends to give people rashes, because the Nurse Practitioner, Mita, mentioned this more than once. If he adds in the Victrelis and still doesn’t have any bad side effects, we’ll both be very relieved!
We went down to Hines VA hospital on Wednesday for Dave’s first official labs since starting his treatment. He doesn’t have diabetes, but the medication tends to raise blood sugar so Mita wanted him to fast just for this lab so she could check his fasting blood sugar. The lab opens at 7 and we live about 45 minutes away (by car) from the hospital. Dave usually takes his Ribavirin at 6 am, but he has to take it with food (to prevent stomach upset) and that meant he couldn’t take it until after his blood was drawn. We didn’t want to get his meds too far off schedule, so we headed out early in order to get him in right away for his labs. That would give us the chance to have breakfast in the hospital cafeteria so Dave could take his meds, and then he had an appointment with Mita at 9 am.
Dave was up around 4 am, and I slept in (!) until 4:50. Neither of us ate (he was fasting, I was fasting in solidarity with him) and after catching up with things online and getting an eBay order ready to ship, we were out the door a little after 6 am. We made good time and they took him right in when we got to the lab. After that we headed over to the cafeteria to get some much-needed coffee and some breakfast.
After we finished eating, Dave handed me the receipt for safekeeping. I noticed it had a little grid on it, so I took a closer look. Every item we ordered had the calories listed! I thought that was really cool, especially if you were an employee that ate at work every day. It’s so easy to overeat, but if you know ahead of time how many calories you’re consuming, it really helps. Of course, I didn’t notice this until after we were done eating, but it’s good to know for the future. I also belatedly realized that the calories were listed next to every item on the sign they had at the station we ordered from. I didn’t realize that at first; I thought they were numbers you could use to quickly order. (Kind of like when you go to Burger King and order a #5 or whatever.) Wouldn’t that have been hilarious if I ordered my food using the calorie counts?! Luckily I didn’t finish all of my food, and I gave my toast to Dave, or I would’ve ended up eating more calories than him (definitely not something I need to be doing).
Then we proceeded to walk off every single one of those calories…I should’ve worn walking shoes that day! We spent the next hour and a half walking all over the hospital, exploring. It is seriously huge! We even walked past a door ominously marked “Weapon Cleaning Room.” (!)
Mita had Dave’s test results, all except his viral load count, by the time we arrived for his appointment. His blood sugar was what it normally is, and his platelets went down a bit but they were still over 100 so they were still at the low end of normal. His hemoglobin was also lower than his baseline count from last month. She said if those numbers go down further, they might adjust his Ribavirin dosage. That also explains why he’s been more tired than usual. Other than that, his numbers were okay and she didn’t change his meds. We go back in two weeks, on May 8, for the third and final class and also for his next set of labs (not fasting this time). He’ll get his next month’s worth of meds and we’ll learn about Victrelis and its side effects.
I guess the viral load number takes a while to process, so Dave is calling on Monday to find out what it is. Hopefully it will be much lower; this will show that the medicine is working and clearing the Hep C virus. The goal is for the virus to be cleared by week 8…if that happens, his treatment will go on for another 20 weeks and he’ll be done. Much better than being in treatment for almost a year!
After the appointment, we headed down to a health fair the VA had going on in their auditorium. It was very, very loud (as those types of events tend to be) but if you got 15 signatures from various booths, you were entered into a raffle…and Dave was determined to enter! We had a good time going around and talking to everybody. Back in the day I would never try to make small talk with so many people in such a loud environment; I would hang back next to Dave and just listen (and smile).
We stopped at a booth dedicated to both colonoscopies and Hep C treatment. Mita was supposed to be manning the Hep C portion but she was still running her clinic, so we chatted with the colonoscopy fellow. I snagged a book, Colonoscopy for Dummies, and when we got home I left it in the bathroom for some appropriate bathroom reading. Dave came out that evening, waving the book at me (he does not ever, ever want to be reminded of his colonoscopy prep, which he claims was worse than going through chemo). He said, “Why is this in the bathroom??” and without a beat, I said, “Well, it’s the most appropriate place in the house. You can read it and it will scare the shit out of you.” It caught him off guard and I must say, we got a long, much-needed laugh out of that!
When I was in high school, I worked as a cashier at Venture for about a year and a half. Venture was a store similar to K-Mart, your basic discount department store in the Midwest. This was back in ’81-’82, and the stores didn’t have scanners – we had to key in three sets of numbers for every item (department, item class and price). On top of that, the cash registers had no numbers on them, just blank white keys, meant to encourage us not to stare at the register but to look at the item and quickly key in the numbers on the price tag. (That scared me almost as much as the phone!) If a customer presented a credit card (and that was rare back then; most people used cash or checks) then we had to drag out the knuckle-buster and a credit slip, write all the information down, and call the charge in if it was over $50 (my biggest nightmare).
I got really good at the cash register part, and I was quick and efficient, moving my line along at a brisk pace. I usually had no problem understanding people, between my speech reading skills and my hearing aid. Back then, I had a moderate-severe loss in my left ear, and a severe-profound loss in my right ear; I wore one hearing aid, in my right ear. The biggest issue I really had was with the phone, which had no amplifier.
If I had to call in a charge, I never knew if I would be able to understand the person on the other end. Many times I had no idea what they were saying, but I got used to the questions they would ask so I would throw that information out there and hope it was what they needed. At least half the time I couldn’t hear the confirmation number they gave back to me; I’d just write down a bunch of numbers on the slip that sounded close to the noises I was hearing on the phone.
As a side note, I always looked for jobs that involved little to no phone use (I still do that even today). When I chose a cashier job, it never occurred to me that there would be a phone involved. I figured I couldn’t ask for a special phone and never bothered to even mention my difficulties to my boss. Although I kind of enjoyed the cashier aspect of the job, I would probably never go back to another cashier job because of the phones (and now those walkie-talkie things that everyone seems to use – those are a million times worse than the phone for me). Kind of a bummer because I’m looking for something very part time, just to bring in some extra money now that the business is slow, and it is hard to find something that doesn’t involve a lot of phone use with the skills I have (mostly office work). Between my phone phobia and my difficulties on the phone, I have no interest in using the phone at work – it stresses me out way, way too much. I can get by with a captioned phone, but I still would not want a job that had me using the phone very frequently. It’s going to be a long job search!
Getting back to my job at Venture…one day a lady came in, and I can’t remember now if she was alone or with somebody else, but I think she was alone. She told me she was deaf. And that’s all she said: “I’m deaf.” It froze me completely. I was terrified! I didn’t know sign language, didn’t know anything about deaf people or how to communicate with them. For all I know, she might have been able to hear a little bit; in my mind, ‘deaf’ meant completely devoid of hearing, no sound getting through at all.
I just smiled and nodded, didn’t say anything, and rang her purchases up. The whole time, I was slightly panicked, wondering how I was going to tell her the total of her purchases. I had no idea if she could lip read, I had no idea how to communicate with her at all. I believe she moved around so she could see the total on the cash register, then she paid and that was that. But all these years later, I still remember how freaked out I was to have someone tell me they were deaf…even though I also had a hearing loss!
Now that I’m deaf myself (and hearing with CIs), that always stays in the back of my mind if I identify myself as deaf to somebody. I never, ever just say, “I’m deaf” and leave it at that. I follow up with, “I read lips and I have cochlear implants.” Depending on the situation, I might also let them know that I’ll say something if I’m having trouble hearing. Usually I just like to throw it out there if the situation warrants it, so they don’t think I’m either rude/ditzy/clueless/stupid if I don’t respond appropriately. I always say that I’m deaf, though, because I am and also because it seems to catch people’s attention more than “I have a hearing loss.” People tend to be more careful about looking at me when they know I’m reading their lips; if I just say that I have a hearing loss, most of the time they talk with their head turned and/or talk too quietly or too fast.
Hopefully I’ve never elicited the same amount of fear in somebody that I had that day I met my first deaf person. Part of it was my young age and inexperience; part of it was her lack of information. Although she didn’t have to tell me anything else, it would have helped to know how to communicate with her since it wasn’t something I had any experience in. Live and learn!