One Year

One year ago today I saw the doctor and it was confirmed:  I was profoundly deaf in both ears.  I consider yesterday, April 15, to actually be the ‘anniversary’ of my going deaf because I knew my hearing was totally gone on that day.  I just happened to have the doctor appointment on the 16th.

You know that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Kind of a vague fear of a future catastrophe…not that you want it to happen, of course, but feeling like you just know it will happen someday?  For me, it was going deaf.  For 15 years I had this very repressed, subliminal fear that I would lose all of my hearing…and then what would I do?

Although I’ve lived with hearing loss pretty much all of my life, my hearing was stable from the time my loss was detected, at age 4, until 1993, when I was 28 years old.  I was so used to it, and wore the same hearing aids for so many years, that I didn’t even really notice it.  It never occurred to me that my hearing might get worse.  We had no idea why I lost my hearing to begin with but it was assumed that it was from a high fever when I had roseola as a toddler.  I figured it was a one-time shot and never gave it another thought.

Then in 1993 I suddenly lost the little bit of hearing I had left in my right ear.  It was shocking and unexpected.  Although I already had a severe-to-profound loss in that ear (so it wasn’t like I lost a ton of hearing) it was still an earth-shattering event for me because that was the ear in which I wore my hearing aid.  My left ear was considered good enough, with a moderate loss, to not need amplification.

In one fell swoop I was faced with the fact that my hearing loss was possibly progressive and might get worse in the future, and dealing with suddenly only having one ear to hear with since I had no ear mold or hearing aid for my left ear.  It took a good two weeks to get a new ear mold made for that ear and to be fitted for a completely new hearing aid, a bi-CROS system.  During that two weeks I actually tried to squish the old ear mold into my left ear and wear my current hearing aid, so that I could hear at work and during social events.  (I specifically remember a baby shower I attended for my cousin during that time, and how isolated I felt because I had no idea what anyone at my table was saying.)

Once I tried the new bi-CROS hearing aids, though, I was amazed.  The transmitter I wore on my ‘dead’ right ear transmitted sounds via radio frequency over to the receiver I wore on my left ear.  Once again I had the sensation of hearing from both ears, and my world normalized again.

The first couple of months after I lost my hearing the first time were scary for me because nobody could tell me why it had happened.  I wasn’t sick and had no warning signs.  They did a CAT scan and blood tests, tried me on a regimen of steroids to alleviate any possible swelling that would’ve caused the hearing loss…nothing worked and no causes were found.

After a couple of months passed and my hearing stayed the same, I stopped actively worrying that I would lose more hearing.  The fear sank to the far recesses of my brain and remained there.  Every now and then I would bring it out and toy with it:  How would I deal with further hearing loss?  Would I feel like life wasn’t worth living?  Would I become bitter and nasty to my friends and family?  Would I retreat and become a recluse?

At the time, I didn’t know anything about cochlear implants.  I learned about them in the late 1990s and even then, it seemed like they were only an option for people with no hearing at all.  From what I could tell, they would enable a profoundly deaf person to perhaps hear some loud environmental sounds but that was it.

Life went on and then the other shoe dropped.

In a way, there was a weird sort of relief that this had happened and I survived it better than I ever expected to.  I look back and say, “Oh!  I went deaf and actually dealt with it better than I thought I would.”  It’s over now…I can’t get any more deaf than I am, right?

I do still have this little fear that something might happen to my implants so they don’t work anymore.  Becoming deaf as an adult is totally different from growing up in a community of deaf people who use sign language.  Since my world is a hearing world, I have to adapt to that.  Dave and I have a version of sign language that we use and it works for us, but it’s not ASL.  I can’t benefit from a sign language interpreter, for instance.

For now, all I can do is assume things will continue the way they are and my cochlear implants will continue to work for me.

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About wendiwendy

This was my original info in 2008: I'm a newly-deafened adult. I'm still getting used to the sudden silence, and I want to talk in the only manner where I can still hear my voice...in print. Now: I'm a bionic woman and I can hear myself roar!!

Posted on April 16, 2009, in Cochlear Implants & Hearing Loss, Emotions & Attitude and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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