Perspective

Three years ago, I woke up on this day and put on my hearing aids.  I didn’t really expect to hear anything; the day before was my doctor appointment/hearing test when I found out I was totally deaf in both ears.  But still, there was that little hope that maybe they were wrong, maybe my hearing was coming back.

Just the act of waking up and remembering my hearing was gone made me sick to my stomach.  Another day of working so, so hard to understand what everyone was saying.  All I had to rely on was my speech reading skills, with a few signs and finger-spelling tossed in.  My mind was just in constant turmoil; I wanted to curl up in bed and cry and refuse to believe this was happening to me, but I had my kids to think about, candles to make and ship.

The first entry in my blog was called “Hindsight is 20/20.”  In that entry, I was looking back at that day, wondering if it would have mattered if I had realized all those ‘weird hearing’ moments were actually a sign of things to come.  Maybe I would have gone to the doctor sooner…would that have helped preserve some of my hearing?

Now, though, I’m thinking that I wish I could have looked forward from that day, or that time in general.  If I could’ve seen myself today, right now, sitting here typing and hearing the keys as I hit them, hearing the door slam as Dave goes out to the garage, hearing Toby’s doggie nails as he walks across the floor…well, I could’ve been spared so many days of sadness.  I would still have grieved losing my natural hearing, because nothing can bring that back.  But if only I had known that this absolutely amazing technology would let me hear things I’d never heard before!

I was talking to Dave about the fully-implantable CIs they are working on –you have to have surgery every 10 years to replace the implant because the batteries only have a finite life (of course).  As we debated the pros and cons, I realized that I really like the situation I have now.  I really don’t mind being in my ‘natural’ (deaf) state when I’m sleeping, for instance.  If I had the added input of noise and sound, I’m not sure how well I’d be able to sleep.  Even when I still had some hearing, I took my hearing aids off at night and had a much reduced level of sound coming in.  I’ve basically never had full hearing while I slept.  I definitely wouldn’t want to have surgery every 10 years!!  On the other hand, it would be awesome to be able to hear while I was swimming, and to not worry about getting my CIs wet if it’s raining.

Right now I feel like I have the best of both worlds.  Who knows what the future brings?  Someday I might write another blog entry referring back to this one, talking about all the wonderful advancements I wish I had known about back on April 17, 2011.  😉

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About wendiwendy

This was my original info in 2008: I'm a newly-deafened adult. I'm still getting used to the sudden silence, and I want to talk in the only manner where I can still hear my voice...in print. Now: I'm a bionic woman and I can hear myself roar!!

Posted on April 17, 2011, in Cochlear Implants & Hearing Loss, Emotions & Attitude, Observations and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I am SO glad I found your blog through TK!! I was born with a sensorineural hearing loss in both ears; my left ear is profoundly deaf, my right is moderately impaired. I was fitted with hearing aids in the midst of kindergarten.

    I woke up one morning, not too many years ago, and realized I could NOT hear a thing. Total silence. Followed by total panic. Come to find out, I had an ear infection and could not wear my aids for a week or two.

    That experience alone made me so grateful for what hearing I DO have and for the miracle of hearing aids.

    Sleep is blissful for me! We do have the best of both worlds, don’t we?

    Like

  2. A beautiful reflection and very inspirational! I used fear deafness for my daughter. You give me hope for the future!

    Like

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